Stupid Criminal Of The Day:
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If I were in charge of the world, I would make their punishment eating the worms. Shit like this gets restaurants closed down and people could have lost their jobs if that dumbass hadn’t forgotten her purse. So these two clowns should have to eat one worm each. That is my edict. Make it so.
I'm excerpting that last paragraph because it's what matters. Why? Because of this comment under that post:
I’d like to see a list of crimes and their punishments under the Empress Rachel justice system. Anybody got any suggestions?
Posted by Bad Penny on March 6th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Arranged that can be. We also have:
I wish there was some Matrix-like way to download my entire blog into every new reader’s brain so that the ones who want to say something rude or stupid can save themselves the trouble.
- No, seriously. Soon I will RULE THE WORLD.
My nominee for the 2008 election would be me! Duh. I am 35 now, old enough to rule the planet. You think the Europeans hate us now? Imagine their spaz attack if I was president. I’d invade them all and turn them into colonies, baby! Nahh. Too much work. But hey. At least I’d pronounce “nuclear” correctly. (But if not me, then I like Fred Thompson.)
- I need material. You give it to me.
It’s easy to say there’s a special place in hell for people who leave a dog tied to a tree when they abandon their house (which they’re doing because they were too stupid and greedy to stay away from a mortgage they couldn’t afford), but I have a more immediate and practical solution: special prisons for these assholes.
I’m serious. The people from the first paragraph, who trashed the house and left their dog to starve - their identity is KNOWN. The police should find them, arrest them, and put them in a jail whose function is to take care of abandoned animals. The assholes should have to spend all their waking time feeding and cleaning up after animals in shelters built right next door. I’m not even joking, because there is nothing funny about this.
- And now for something depressing and sad.
If elected President, my dog Sunny would pass a new executive order on her first day in office. It would state that this sort of shit is de facto theft, not only from the military serviceman himself but from the American taxpayer. Because, ultimately, that money came out of YOUR paycheck. That whoring was done on YOUR dime. The money was meant for the defense of our nation, not for slutty abominations.
As such, Sunny would make this sort of theft a federal offense punishable by time in prison. The sentence would last as long as it takes the thief to pay back every penny while earning minimum wage at hard labor.
- If you see Kimberly Scullen of Swisher, Iowa, punch her in the face.
On a lighter note, I think we should have a contest for whose neighbors have the most extreme Christmas decorations. Every evening when I walk the dogs, I’m struck anew with wonder and disbelief at the lengths some of my neighbors have gone to. It’s not ugly (I actually kinda like the lights and stuff) but it is crazy. I’m taking the camera with me tonight so I can show you. You can’t wait.
- Next time I’ll just get a combo Pap smear/root canal while having my eyelids forced open to look at pictures of Michael Moore naked.
I sit and reflect on the criminal justice system and the ramifications of climbing over the fence and connecting the bucket with great force to both of their skulls.
- I want so badly to kick the asses of the children next door.
Huckabee Can Go Fuck Himself (and can everyone shut up about religion please?)
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People Need To Get a Grip About The Weed
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Islam Should Be Called a Shitty Religion, If Only Just For Fun (or because it’s true)
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Rachl Lukis Should Never Be Nominated For Awards
- Huckabee can go stuff himself
…and other helpful suggestions.
I’ve been giving it some serious thought lately and have decided that people who walk down the middle of the DRIVING AREA in parking lots, with no regard at all for all the CARS trying to PARK, should be run over.
- I really want people to move their asses out of the way.
Okay - I'm stopping here because this is:
A) Time consuming.
B) Surprisingly difficult.
I'm having to get way too damn creative to find these. How hard can this be?
Maybe someone can add to this list... maybe...
UPDATE (3/20/2008): Rachel has a new one!
When I become Ruler of Earth, I will pass a law forbidding any evocation of Eva Cassidy’s name that does not include the rejoinder, “who had the most beautiful voice God ever created and none shall ever compare”.
- Buh-bye, Overmyer. Please don’t ever sing again.
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